Helping Kids Cope with a New Normal During the Coronavirus Pandemic
The Coronavirus pandemic has physically separated us from each other. From deeply important support systems. For parents it may be our village that loves our child and wants to help but at this moment, they can’t. Parents do a lot of jobs and wear a lot of hats, right now we are being stretched into shapes and structures that are not-sustainable. Our resources are spread transparently thin. This moment is a state of the art anxiety production machine. But it will not last forever. It will pass. But that doesn’t mean we worry any less about the impact it will have on our child. Big life events usually do shift something about us, maybe drawing us closer to our values or causing us to see the world or ourself differently. These moments can be overwhelming, but they can also be an opportunity for us to realize our own strength, reconnect with those who love us and learn new skills that make us even more resilient. How will our child respond? The outcome depends on who that child is, how they functioned before the event and how we help them cope. In this moment, we only have control over the latter- offering our support and helping them cope. The following are our recommendations for supporting your child’s mental health during this national emergency. We hope you are reminded how much you already do to embrace them for the impact of the unknown.
Helping Your Child Cope
1. Go with Your Parent Gut. As a child psychologist, part of my work is communicating with my patients’ parents. When meeting a new family I work off of parent concerns until my assessment is complete. I have found the parental instinct is almost always leading us down the right path, or at least one of them. If the parents I work with feel empowered to trust their gut and deeply connect with their child, then I know I am doing my job. The parent-child relationship is undoubtedly the most important factor in a child’s development. We become experts in what makes our child unique and how they respond to the world. It’s no surprise that traumatic events will affect children differently. So as I am making suggestions, know that some of them will feel like a good fit for you and your child and others won’t seem as relevant. Go with your parenting gut. Take what serves you and your child, and leave the rest here.
2. Shore Up Your Resources. I’m not talking about toilet paper, I’m talking about your emotional resources, your physical energy and the bandwidth in your brain. There is a lot going on, you’re making some of the biggest decisions you’ve probably ever had to make about the safety of your immediate and extended family, financial problem-solving and much more depending on who is looking to you for leadership in this moment. There is some skill in the word no, in knowing what is needed and where to cut the fat. Remember that putting yourself first is something you are worthy of. However, if like many of us, that doesn’t sink in I will try this, putting yourself first is the best thing you can do as a parent right now. By harnessing your emotional strength, taking the extra step to listen to your body and saying no to information or problems overwhelming your bandwidth, you are protecting your child’s resiliency. You are doing this through modeling self-care and therefore being able to be more emotionally available and present. These recommendations are going to be so much more effective if you build them on a foundation of self-care.
3. Listen Up. Listening carefully is one of the most important things you can do for your child to build emotional intelligence, improve self-esteem and increase their ability to self-regulate. It is crucial after a crisis event. Listening to their stories, their concerns, the arguments with their siblings, it all gives us information about how they are managing. But there is a specific way we need to listen if we want to get the data, if we want the real answer to that question of “how are they doing?”
We need to validate their feelings. Don’t get distracted by the bickering, the whining and the bad behavior. Go ahead, notice it and follow through on your household consequences but do not lose sight of the irritability, the fear and the anxiety underlying these behaviors. Validating is not agreeing with something you don’t agree with, or letting poor behavior slide. It’s acknowledging how someone feels about what they are experiencing. Because I believe this is the most important thing we can do at any time, for anyone, to support their mental health, here is what it might sound like: This is your 3rd fight with your sister this morning, I wonder if you are feeling sad and it’s making it hard to be patient? You’ve been whining instead of using your words, are you feeling confused right now? You’re really upset you can’t see your friend, you’re probably lonely without her. When we listen like this, without shaming our child or ignoring their experience, they keep showing us how they feel and if we keep helping them label their feelings they will begin to better verbalize how they feel. And that’s how we get the data, we’ve been trying to collect since they were born- “how are they doing?”
4. You Don’t Need All the Answers. Which is a relief because we don’t have them! Your child may have a lot of questions about the things they are hearing or the changes they are experiencing. Before you panic and start trying to answer all of them, lean on your listening and ask them questions. See what they know, what they don't know, and what they have misinterpreted from watching TV or overhearing adult conversations. Asking questions first, gives you a moment, and helps you to harness your energy so your answers can be as intentional as they can be in a pandemic. Every person is different and the things your child is actually worried about may surprise you. Even if you don't have the answers they want, your curiosity reminds them their feelings are important and they are deeply connected to you even at this time.
Refrain from sharing adult or graphic details but answer them honestly. It’s okay to be brief and then check in with their thoughts and feelings. Validate these feelings. They may ask the same questions again and again, it doesn’t mean you aren’t answering them “correctly,” it’s a normal part of the process. They are seeking reassurance. Let them know they are safe and they are loved. Remind them of their strengths and the strengths of your family or community.
5. Turn Off the News. Yes, you do need to be linked to information in order to make decisions that keep your family safe and healthy. But finding a balance is key as the media sensationalizes things, there is always a sense of intensity and you are trying to create as much calm for your family as you can- these things just don't work together in harmony. With live coverage, you never know who or what could come on the screen, that you may wish your family could unsee. Also, try to hold off on your adult discussion of a crisis or planning, this is not always possible but if you are not in immediate danger limit little ears overhearing adult information.
6. Imaginative Play is Healing. This is unstructured play where children lead and decide what they want to do. They have complete creative control. Control is something we all lack during a crisis, so what a nourishing experience for them. A lot of wonderful stuff happens when children get to engage in free play, if you’re interested in learning more, in episode 6 of The Wide Awake Parenting Podcast, we break down how play benefits your child’s emotional, cognitive, relational and physical development, even their academic future. For our purposes here, this play is useful because it helps children process their feelings about stressful situations, and express them in a safe way. It’s how they heal. Sit down and join them or remain close by, listen for patterns such as being scared, rescued, death, loss, helping and other themes related to the crisis. All children should get an opportunity for free play everyday, along with enough sleep and time outside, it’s that crucial, especially in times of stress.
7. Structure Some Simple Joys. If you are still adjusting and a routine feels impossible, create structure for your child within the chaos of not knowing what the next day or week will look like. It can be disorienting for the whole family to try to function normally while not knowing what to expect. Pick one thing each day that you can use as your child's North Star. You may be searching the garage for the squirt guns to have a water fight, making a favorite meal, or it may be something you do everyday like taking their best furry friend for a walk. Pick even the smallest thing and refer to it throughout the day so your child has something to orient to. You are smoothing out the edges here of an unpredictable environment. You are also reminding them that you are here, in charge and trustworthy as always, when you say you're having spaghetti for dinner, you’re having spaghetti for dinner. That hasn't changed even if it feels like everything else has.
8. Help Them See the Silver Linings. It’s easy for our attention to get stuck on what is threatening. Refocus your family’s attention on “the helpers” as Mr. Rogers would remind us. Take a moment to acknowledge the amazing training of our local medical personnel and first responders, the courage of our police and fire departments and other essential workers keeping us safe and healthy during this turbulent time. Gratitude is not only respectful and kind, it’s shown to keep our brains calmer, helping us with decision making in tough times and balancing our mood. It’s also been shown to decrease PTSD symptoms in individuals experiencing violence in war zones. So if it’s not already part of your family’s day, add it to your preparedness kit, ask your kids who and what they are grateful for today.
9. Help Them Be a Silver Lining for Someone Else. After we have been in survival mode, our adrenaline is pumping and we can be full of energy that feels uncomfortable and that we aren't sure what to do with. If you are safe, but now having to confront the emotional fall out of this massive change, bringing attention to others can be a relief. Practicing small acts of kindness keeps your child's heart and mind busy and empowered. This may include gathering supplies for local shelters, shopping for a vulnerable neighbor, sending an email filled with love to a friend or family member,or meditating or praying for those in harm's way. If you liked the last idea, we have a loving kindness meditation you can access on The Wide Awake Parenting Podcast Bonus Episode 13.
