LGBTQ Mental Health: Parent Support Makes the Difference





How can we as parents, teachers, coaches, and counselors support the Lesbian, Gay, Bisexual, Transgender, Queer or Questioning children and teens in our lives? Wide Awake Parenting has clear recommendations for offering support to LGBTQ youth that will benefit their emotional development and mental health, their sense of belonging in your community and especially if you are a parent or family member- their relationship with you. First, I want to paint a picture of the experience of being an LGBTQ youth, based on research and statistics, with the intention of giving our parenting community a gentle reminder or a strong nudge, whatever you may need, to encourage you to reach out, support and connect. I believe it is absolutely necessary.

LGBTQ Children and Teens are dealing with:

Microagressions. This includes Microassaults like name calling and discrimination, Microinsults which are often subtle or unconscious insults and micro invalidation which negates or nullifies the experience of an LGBTQ individual, “I’m not being homophobic you’re just too sensitive!” Even if you believe you live in a progressive community these Microagressions sneak into our everyday experience and to experience them everyday has harmful effects on mental health. Microagressions were first identified and studied by psychiatrist and Harvard University professor Chester M. Pierce in 1970 to describe insults and dismissals which he regularly witnessed non-black Americans inflicting on African Americans. Microagressions are experienced by all culturally marginalized groups and individuals.

Trauma or Vicarious Trauma. LGBTQ individuals are more likely than non-LGBTQ individuals to be harmed or attacked, so trauma is something these children and teens are coping with to some extent. According to the Center for Disease Control’s National Youth Risk Survey of LGB Students, 34% of this population reported being bullied on school campus, 28% were bullied electronically, 23% experienced sexual dating violence, and 18% experienced physical dating violence. According to data collected by the Center for American Progress, each episode of LGBTQ victimization, such as physical or verbal harassment or abuse, increases the likelihood of self-harming behaviors by 2.5x on average. But even if an LGBTQ youth has not been personally victimized, this community reports feeling unsafe. This can be explained by understanding Vicarious Traumatization, where someone experiences trauma symptoms by witnessing or being exposed to another’s trauma. Research shows that even when not directly involved in hate crimes, children and teens see the danger their LGBTQ peers face and they are reminded they are not safe to be who they are.

Internalized Homophobia and Transphoebia. Because they are growing up in our culture, children and teens have internalized our big and small homophobic and transphobic messages. This can express itself in kids bullying other LGBTQ individuals, experiencing depression and anxiety, feeling overwhelming shame and preoccupation with a sense they are hurting or letting down their parents or other community leaders. Therapists whom specialize in working with this population will often see this as part of the coming out process and is often the most extreme in the early stages of the coming out process. So it’s important for us to monitor in LGBTQ youth.

Family and/or Community Rejection. Here are some heartbreaking statistics from the Family Acceptance Project at SFSU. When LGBTQ youth experience rejection from their family they are 8x more likely to have attempted suicide compared to their peers that experience moderate to low family rejection, 6x more likely to report high levels of depression, 3x more likely to use illegal drugs and 3x more likely to be at high risk for HIV and STIs. 40% of homeless youth identify as LGBTQ and they are at increased risk of substance abuse, sex work, HIV and Hepatitis. And according to the Center for Disease Control, the suicide rate for LGB teens is 30%.

When LGBTQ youth experience family acceptance they have increased self-esteem, social support and an overall better general health status. Our recommendations for how you can put your love for your child into supportive interventions that will make all the difference to them and their physical and mental well-being.

Mindful Parenting Tips to Support LGBTQ Youth:

  1. Practice acceptance. It is a crucial mindful parenting skill for allowing our child to experience their authentic self in our presence. When we give them this gift, we help them to develop a stable and genuine identity. Sometimes we are accepting emotions we are uncomfortable with, temperament or personality traits that push our buttons and in this case a sexual or gender identity we may not have expected. Acceptance allows us to adjust to the reality of what is happening around us and the needs of the people we care about. We don’t have to agree with everything about this and we are allowed our personal feelings- that’s where self-care comes in. But in the moment we show our child, or anyone we care about, that we see what they are showing us, we hear what they are telling us.

  2. Validate your child’s feelings and experience. This takes our previous skill of acceptance one step further. As I mentioned, LGBTQ youth and adults frequently have their experience of who they are or how they are treated invalidated. This invalidation can look like: parents viewing their identity as a phase that won’t last, a family’s refusal to acknowledge their romantic partner or ignoring the issue all together. Be the person your child knows sees them, not only accepts them but can give them verbal reassurance that you hear what they are trying to share. If your child or teen comes to you and shares they have hurt feelings about how they were treated at school, know that they feel comfortable doing so because it’s likely you have been validating before and they trust you with their feelings. Listen, be in their corner, this is a literal lifeline for them. When parents are concerned that their child may be being bullied but isn’t telling them, I review this process of validation with them. All of us like to talk to someone who validates our experience, so if you want to know what is really going on with your teen, this step is your homework.

  3. Be welcoming. Being inclusive towards community members of all walks of life, models to your child that they will always be welcomed by you.. You don’t need to invite the entire town over for a BBQ, but watch how you describe people different than yourself- do you hold them with respect and compassion? This will show your child that even if they are not exactly like you or a norm they see on TV and in popular culture, you are flexible and non-judgmental and they will be safe seeking help and guidance from you. Hateful language, homophobia and transphobia, push LGBTQ youth towards isolation which is dangerous to their mental health. By ensuring your family has a message of welcome and acceptance, you help your child resist the need to seek safety through isolation. Instead they will feel connected and included, which will benefit their mental health, physical safety and the cohesiveness of your family unit.

  4. Become educated and do not make assumptions. Use our mindful parenting skill of being curious. Learn the difference between gender identity and romantic attraction. When they share that a close friend is now requesting to be addressed with the pronouns them/they it’s okay to be confused. But keep in mind your child is testing you to see how you respond to this information. This isn’t manipulation, it’s survival. They need to know who is safe to turn to, who treats all people with the dignity they deserve. Be open to non-binary ideas and language. This goes with our mindfulness practice of staying away from black and white thinking, in this case him or her. When children are exposed to these non-binary ideas they also have access to language to explain a deeply personal experience. Being able to express our feelings allows us to better seek help and to cope effectively. At the end of the day, one size fits almost none of us, take in as much information as you can but always be curious. Do not assume this is how your child or any LGBTQ individual feels or wants to be addressed, we still need to ask, what does this label you are using mean to you?

  5. Follow their lead. Do not push your child into naming their LGBTQ identity even if you believe that is who they are. This is a situation where the best intentions can have very damaging effects. By “outing” someone before they are ready we not only take away their voice- we may make them unsafe- in their outer reality and in their inner world. Respect their personal dignity. Allow them time to explore their feelings and make peace with the consequences they will face. Research shows that their is a loss of cultural privilege when coming out, so let them digest what this means for them and give them a chance to gather their inner resources and outer support systems. You can help them replenish their inner resources by being accepting and validating. By respecting this process you will become one of the outer support systems they can count on.

  6. Get your own support. If you are grappling with your own feelings about the LGBTQ community there is no judgement here but I encourage you to seek a safe space, like your own therapy, to process, so you can be the supportive parent you want to be.

  7. Find an LGBTQ affirmative therapist for your family. If you believe your child or teen could benefit from professional support, find a counselor who will be accepting of your child’s authentic self. Some counselors will have this information posted on their website or Psychology Today profile. But if you find someone you think would be a good match for your teen, just ask, “Are you an LGBTQ affirmative therapist? Because this is important to our family.”



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Kirsten Kuzirian