Help Your Child Stop Reacting and Start Responding
Today we are focusing on how to help our child start responding to stressful situations instead of reacting to them. In other words, stop melting down. Melt downs are frustrating, hard to watch, definitely hard stay present with and something we cannot wait for our child to grow out of. Here is the reframe: a melt down is a reaction to something a child or teen does not know how to cope with. So today we are going to go over 6 clear steps so you can help. In these tough moments. And before you rush to put on your parent super hero problem solver cape, pause. Breathe. Problem-solving does not come into play until step 5. And here’s why. The first 4 steps are crucial to helping your child learn to manage the overwhelm of emotions that come when they do not know what to do. If we skip that and go straight to problem-solving, they miss this super important lesson in managing their own emotions and responses. Their brain won’t get the practice it needs to find a calm or neutral space to begin problem-solving on their own. We all have “melt downs” and they have negative consequences at any age. We may grow out of flinging ourselves onto the floor or anger crying and shrieking but we still may have the desire to do so because we feel lost and panicked. We don’t make the best decisions in these moments. If you think back about things your regret doing or saying, these actions very likely had their root in an emotional state like this. Negative consequences tend to follow these reactions. Time outs, suspensions, peer rejection, being dumped, fired, harmful health habits, generally not getting our needs met and making life really difficult for ourselves. Okay, so what can you do as a parent to help get your child in the habit of responding to things that distress them in the moment instead of reacting?
Acceptance. This is a key mindfulness skill we incorporate in almost every episode. Here’s what it looks like for this intervention. Don’t dismiss what they are melting down about. Think about the people you have wasted time melting down over when they were rude, critical or rejecting and then try to look your kid in the eye and tell them that their sister saying their name funny or taking the pink crayon is a ridiculous thing to throw a fit about. I mean objectively yes, it is a ridiculous thing to throw a fit about but so was your stuff. Life can be the worst and your best friends didn’t minimize your feelings, if they did you wouldn’t be best friends! Observe what’s happening with out judgement. Muster all your compassion and try to honor their feelings about said worst thing ever. You DO NOT have to agree this is the worst thing in the world (because guess what our friends didn’t agree with us either but they just listened and waited for us to come to our senses).
Validate. You helped them to identify what it is that made them want to meltdown. Now help them observe their feelings about this disaster. We want to get as specific as possible. We know they feel bad, but what kind of bad? Are they worried, angry, jealous, scared? It can be a dance to decide if your child will accept some help from you in labeling their emotions, “Wow you look pretty mad right now.” You can give it a try, and then just go back to listening if this upsets them more. A feelings chart is great to have handy because they can point, don’t have to verbalize or recall from memory a variety of emotions. We want them to get there eventually but these are great steps for scaffolding. If we cannot clarify our feelings after a meltdown we risk not understanding them and shoving them down because we think they are shameful. By validating our child’s emotions they are able to take that shame out of their physical space, process it, and feel connected to you because you were their to hear them. So your job is to give those feelings a non-judgmental, soft landing pad. Someday they won’t need you for this step, your work here will have helped them internalize your acceptance and validation, giving them a forever tool of self-compassion to validate their emotions whenever and wherever they need it.
Give them a minute and some choices. The more a child is able to practice the first two steps of acceptance and validation the quicker their recovery time becomes. They begin to identify quickly what is upsetting them and how it makes them feel and then they start to solve the problem. But if this is a new practice, a big change or an especially difficult obstacle, you may have to offer some options to help your child calm down. Taking some deep breaths, counting, calming down in a quiet space, stretching their body or having a glass of cool water all help. Don’t reinvent the wheel here, use whatever routine your child is already familiar with. Offer your suggestions and then wait. When we are in a melt down even the most flexible personalities are hyper sensitive to being told what to do. If they are demanding justice or pushing for a replacement for whatever dropped on the floor, let them know you want to problem-solve with them but are waiting for them to use a calm down skill first. With older kids you may let them know you are waiting until they look more physically relaxed so you know their brain is ready to problem solve.
Keep Your Self Calm. In all challenging parenting situations patience and your own self-compassion are key. Do whatever you can to calm yourself down. A younger child may copy you as you take deep breaths, massage your hand or arm or even vigorously wipe down the counter. Even if your teen gives you a dirty look while you practice keeping your calm, know they are observing your mad skills. Whether your child takes the opportunity to join you or not, remember our neurons talk to each other. When your brain calms down it helps your child’s brain begin to relax. You will both be in a better place to move through this process.
Problem Solving Time. Yes! You made it! Problems solving is incredibly helpful- once the first steps have been completed. There are a lot of options here. An important message for your child to absorb is that we always have choices. Depending on your child’s age and developmental skills set you could ask an open ended question, What do you want to do next? As your listening, you know immediately whether this would make your child beam with confidence as they explain their plan of action or if it would overwhelm them and make them feel lost, listen to your parent gut here. A middle ground could be prompting them to recall something that worked previously and giving them the space to identify that as a good idea. For younger children or an older child totally out of their league with the problem at hand, give them a couple of clear and simple choices. Once they are engaged get them to work their executive functioning muscles by thinking about what the pros and cons of each choice will bring.
Decrease Vulnerability. If you give me disappointing or unpleasant information, I’m going to handle it so much better if I have slept well, am hydrated, and have eaten. I’ll be at my peak performance level if I’ve been able to get to the gym, had time to meditate, had time to connect with someone important to me and am enjoying a cup of coffee. This self-care decreases the chance we will be vulnerable to emotional disregulation or generally getting thrown off our game. Our kids are no different. Your child will be more capable to learn from this process if they are fueled up and feel connected to you and the things that make them feel confident and fulfilled. They will be less likely to meltdown over something small, so it’s a good way to bypass many a meltdown. If it’s change or a larger issue they need to practice handling to gain competence there will probably be a few chances for you to practice this with them. For your sanity and their confidence pick a time when they are less vulnerable, a time their cup is full, to run through these steps. You will notice a huge difference in their ability to digest your support and it will decrease the frequency you will need to attend to the same issue. The mental health version of working smart, not hard.
